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07:30 am
手机闹钟尽职地响起。闹铃从撞钟播到嘈杂的配器时我开始逐渐恢复意识，那个似乎颇为荒诞有趣的梦非常不给面子地掩面转身弃我而去。“你这个逻辑正常的理智人！我不跟你玩儿了！”我躺在被子里懊恼了4秒钟，随即想起我的邮箱里也躺着一些懊恼的东西。Decision们。唔。嘿嘿。啧。唉。
脑子里就这么不断进行着四个发语词的随机循环，肢体很不配合地软绵绵地挪动：揉下眼睛。关掉闹铃。打开ovi mail。掀开被子。荡到书房。摁下power。然后瞪着手机屏幕。啊啊。手机里已经下载了标题。“UNC Update Your Decision”，“Admission Decision from St. Olaf College”。
隐约看到一行“Dear Chuner”。
以极大的勇气把目光拔离手机。
我穿着皱得像咸菜的暗红色格子衬衫顶着一个鸡窝头脸上兴许还带着些眼部分泌物，郑重其事地点击了Chrome中gmail的链接。
11:37 am
有一个人窝在某cafe沙发上对着电脑傻笑，女服务生放下菜单跟水杯，倚在角落的台边瞅她。“瞅谁谁心虚”那种。
唔。对。这个她是我。傻笑的脸对面，淫淫cong了一片。SNS的无聊和无谓其实可以孕育出一种特殊的connections。你跟我不太远也不太近，不太假也不太真。我觉得你不太好也不太坏，不难看也不太帅。一个有了空缺和缝隙的人会有意无意地认可这种connections，并从中得到一些不多不少的填补和修复。
我知道我认可。而填补和修复？
这些填料不经久的，我也知道。随即五个熟悉的头顶陆续出现在楼梯的顶端，然后慢慢展露全貌。他们无需扫视很多遍就能看到我冲着他们傻笑的脸。互相复习着有些生疏了的脸，我们的几对屁股稳稳入座。
“我今天帽子戏法，嘿嘿，”我感到眼下的肌肉把我的视觉器官挤成了一对欢乐的弯弯，“拿了三个录取。”
然后当然是例牌的近况update。接下来，借题发挥，零碎笑料，目光交流，小心试探，分组聊天，交叉讨论，偏题聊天，又复讨论，往往复复。有时候那些空缺和缝隙会叫起来嘲笑其填料的低劣质量。“这才是connections。你看你拿的什么来糊弄我。”而有时候它们会安静得好像从来都没有存在过。
最后我的connection们逐一离座。再出门口。我跟一人同行回家，而整条路上我的心思竟然都放在我的裤腰上，无比懊恼地试图让它不要滑得太低以至于露出你知道是什么的边边出来。
06:37 pm
我把每一个SNS都开一个标签页，然后打开gmail，告诉Oberlin的Grim先生说我要接受Waiting List的位置，以及我想问他我还缺了些什么以至于你觉得我更适合WL而不是Offer。又新建了一个邮件，告诉MHC说你录了我我简直高兴坏了，但是内什么，你内个，钱好像没给够。
一一发送，稍有些沾沾自喜。
F，你帽子戏法了。除了斯坦福那个你其实并不在乎的淡定拒绝，你目前最坏的只是尴尬的候选。
又有那么一丝丝懊恼。你要真去了一文理学院，谁他妈能理解你去的不是野鸡学校。
08:41 pm
某SNS提醒我查看留言。一个可爱的朋友说她看过我的博客跟豆瓣，以及她觉得我很有趣。
一瞬间有一股什么东西冲开了一扇什么门。东西回头一看，“擦，这门我居然早就走过。”
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(PG 家长指引)
(其实没有不良内容啦)
A LOOK INTO MYSELF
@ Why do this?
某一刻开始我突然无法接受我对自己各种性格特质特征倾向的模糊认知：完全被自己的喜好迷惑，遇到自己的crush却无法make a smart move，悲剧地不喜欢自己6周前写的并已经上交给Stanford的personal statement，种种。
悲愤交集中我把豆瓣状态改成了“你给我自己好好想想!”，然后花了一个白天尝试弄清楚F，即本人，到底是怎么一个构成。
（我知道这听起来很orz）
以下是具体过程
@ list the characteristics you think you possess
@ and what did your friends say?
@ now put the above phrases into the 3 catalogs below
@ try to interpret the outcome... how come it looks this way?
I'm overall convivial and fun-seeking. However I'm pretty much reserved, sometimes more reserved to friends than to strangers. So technically I keep a distance with everybody. As a result I leave people a pretty good impression—at the cost of a closed heart and unfluctuating emotion. I'm fine with this... at least for now. But I also eager for close friends...true love... adventures...crazy life...okay I'm reserved so i don't say things like this. So no you heard nothing.
@ wanna make a change?
yes... no... well um... Revealing my true feelings is extremely uncomfortable for me. I don't know how come I tend to feel this way but that's who I am and you know what I'm so annoyed by this fact!!!
...however as I've stated before I do want to walk further to close the distance. My heart needs to keep running. It wants CHEMISTRY, THUNDERBOLTS, GREAT FLUCTUATIONS. Even if that means risking getting hurt.
@ ...what's your point now
好吧！这篇东西首先是写给我自己看的，其次是写给你，你，还有你看的！请对号入座...
我现在的point就是改essay，然后make a smart move，然后…
也许我会变成一个不一样的人。
-END-
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告 一 段 落 。
（但是余兴继续，欢迎童鞋们猛击以下链接：http://www.douban.com/artist/mixture/）
是时候鼓起勇气面对堕落的自我了。
12月5日 SAT take three
12月15日 Stanford Notification
1月1日 Deadline of most of the colleges I'm applying for
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chunerYou are a Judge!
(Dominant Introverted Concrete Thinker)You are a JUDGE (DICT). Your affinity for facts and analytical approach to life help you solve complex problems and make tough decisions that others cannot. But don't think that you don't act irrationally a lot of the time. You jump into arguments and hold grudges like crazy. You could probably use some love.
While some may see you as a bit overbearing and arrogant, your friends know that you are a trustworthy person with depth and a strong sense of righteousness. Although you are introverted and somewhat reserved, you have a forceful personality that your friends appreciate and your enemies fear. God help them. God help all of us.
Compared to 15,203,187 other test takers...
93% are more Submissive than you. 
7% are more Dominant than you. 0% are just as Dominant as you. 3% are more Introverted than you. 91% are more Extroverted than you. 6% are just as Introverted as you. 76% are more Abstract than you. 10% are more Concrete than you. 14% are just as Concrete as you. 19% are more Thinking than you. 73% are more Feeling than you. 8% are just as Thinking as you.
Some interesting facts about The Personality Test...
15,203,187 people have taken the test. Of those, 66% were female and 34% were male. The most common personality type is Dreamer at 13% of test takers. The least common is Businessman at only 3%. Women prefer Einstein. Men do, too. -
好吧我就是两个月不更新突然跑来发照片吓人的…
咳咳，正题正题。
一向是好童鞋的我于本周一开始翘学了——
当然名义上是请假，理由婉转，而且措辞优美地“暂定为一个星期”。而其实大家都已心知肚明，甚至还替被我抛下的同桌童鞋安排了新的同桌。我在满怀歉意的同时亦感到释怀：终于不用在老师眼皮子底下藏着掖着地做我的申请了。
当然我从没有认真藏掖过。
在Mr. W有那么些不屑的目光中，以及Mr. Y为难但支持的微笑中，以及Ms. M一句“你试还是考的吧？”中，一切都已了然。而我也不再因为在一群冲向高考的学生中逆流而上而常常感到浑身不自在。
（嗯，现在只是偶尔感到不自在。）
偶尔地，比如，那天晚修课间我去6班找Olive。
O说她不玩儿了；她说她决定还是高考。例牌Blah了一堆后，O盯住我的眼睛说：“淳，你心底里是想逃避高考的吧？”
我当时真TM想这么吼回去：
“老娘我要高考我现在悠悠闲闲趴在13班门外栏杆上看月亮。而不是挂着一双黑眼圈上来找你烦school list, school transcript, recommendations, SAT subject tests, personal statement, supplement, essays, blahblahblahblah. u shouldn't have given up. u should at least give it a shot. ”
但我不能吼。
我建议O可以ED一下，“只是个建议。最终还是看你。”后来再遇到O时我正收拾宿舍的东西准备回家，然后O告诉我她还是决定不弄了。于是我fake了一个不自在的微笑告诉她，加油，祝你去复旦，我很喜欢复旦的。
最近我常常感到这种fake的需要：请求不知从何入手的老师们写推荐信时，告诉班主任我要请长假时，向老吴解释为什么迟交作业时，甚至是跟家人谈判时。Fake a smile, pretend that i'm tough.
Anyway, that's why i'm having this scary look in the photo above. 祝我去斯坦福吧
9月10日无责任更新…
COFFEEOLIC
Welcome to the dark and twisted inner world of Folia.
